Sunday, 11 April 2010

Time to be brave and face my secrets.

This is a post I told Jen I would do after she shared her story on her blog, Drazil and Jen gave me the courage to talk about my secret and why I am overweight now.

It is very hard for me to type this blog as I will have to face facts I do not want to see in front of me. I should see them and I think to be able to lose this weight I need to face them.

I don't know where to start because it is a complicated story but I think I will write it in the chronological order it happened to me.

When I was 13 I started to have night terrors. For those of you who don't know what night terrors are, they are very violent nightmares everynight. Many of them beng the same over and over again. I was already a bit overweight at the time but nothing major. I was so scared of falling asleep. I couldn't do anything to stop it. There was that dream everynight, in a car with 2 babies in their car seats at the back, they both looked like me and they are both crying. suddenly very brights lights and a crash. a few seconds after just one of the babies voices.
I have had that dream every single night for over a year until I decided to say it to my parents. They brought me to a child psychiatrist. I explained to him all my night symptoms. He said to me usually you see that when there has been a strong emotional shock. and with people with amnesia.

I started to feel like I wasnt complete, that there was a part of me missing, I was feeling lonely and even my friend and family could not fill that gap. I had no idea what would fill it so I started eating, every day more and more. I became bulimic, I would eat enormous amounts of food and make myself sick afterwards. One of my friends found out and told my parents.

The psychiatrist started working with me to stop this as well, and focused on me stopping making myself sick. but he didnt do anything for the eating part of the problem. At some stage we were going nowhere. so he asked if he could see my parents for one session to see if they could help, if they had any elements I didnt know about that could help me get better.

And finally they said it one day. I will never forget that day when the psychiatrist asked my mum to tell me something she had hidden for so many years. something that made me understand why I was hving that dream. why I wasnt feeling complete.

We had a car accident and I was injured quite badly, my mum too, a drunken man crashed in the side of our car and killed my twin sister. It suddenly made sense the other baby me in the dream wasnt me, it was her, I didnt even remember her. My mum explained that i suffered head injuries and I had no memories from before the accident. She explained that the doctors in the hospital told her that and she had to choose if she wanted to tell me about my sister or not. She was so hurt at the time she decided not to. And for years they lived like if she never existed.

I needed to know everything, I wanted an explanation, I was angry, but nothing. They wouldnt say a thing. They couldnt talk about it because it was hurting them too much. I felt devasted, broken, helpless, empty, sad... And I was hating them. For hiding this from me, for not helping me to get better, for pretending she never existed, for not wanting to talk to me about it. And the only thing that would calm me down was food.

For years I have researched everything I could, harrassed them to tell me about her. And finally turned to my granny who saw how distressed I was and made me promise not to tell my mum she had talked about it. She gave me pictures, her teddy bear, and told me about her. She brought me to her grave.

I have worked with a hypnose therapist to work on the memory I had lost and managed to remember a few things. Not much but still a few things, when I turned 20 I was not bulimic anymore. I did a lot of emotional eating but it was not considered as bulimia anymore. I put on the rest of the weight by yoyo dieting.

I am not fine with all this story yet, I still have difficulties understanding why thing happened this way, I still have to control how angry I am with my parents about it. I still have too many questions that are not answered and I still don't feel complete. I probably never will. therapist told me to learn to live with it instead of trying to make myself complete with a substitude but it is easier said than done...

I feel naked now that I have written my biggest secret down . I am scared of being judge, but I needed to do it. I don't have the courage to read what I wrote again to check for typos and misspellings because if I do I will probably delete everything so I will take a deep breath and hit the publish post button now!


  1. You chose the right thing to publish. I hope this helps rid you of this burden. It is so sad but thanks for letting us read your story.


  2. Oh please don't feel naked or scared. And you won't be judged here. We are here for you however you need us!

    What a horrific story to live through. I can understand your anger at your parents. I would want to know everything I could about a) what happened and b) (the more important one) your sister.

    I am glad the bulimia is not something you deal with anymore. It makes complete sense why you turned to food. I don't know if you've seen my story, I had to take the original blogs down because there was just too much me in them but putting them up for a few weeks helped me immensely. But, like you, I turned to food, in my case for protection. I think it says something for both of us that we are identifying what food became as if we don't do that, we can never move past it.

    What a sad story, and yes, plenty to always keep in your mind, but your whole life is ahead of you. And I know I will be here for you if you need to rant, complain, vent, or just chatter. It always helps to let this stuff out, I believe.


  3. Oh could you be judged? Not one single thing that happened or that you are feeling is your fault - ever. I don't think saying I'm sorry can help you but please know - from the depths of my heart I am sorry. But just like my uncle - do you see that your twin's memory is now alive again - in all of us - and though like my uncle - you weren't allowed to talk about it - here you can - all the time if you need to - and that means she cannot be silenced or not remembered. This is an incredible story and I think your twin spoke to you during those dreams because maybe she was angry about being forgotten too. Pain is handled so differently by so many. I try to remember my parents - though they hurt me - didn't do it intentionally...they just knew no other way to deal with the pain. It doesn't make it okay but it sometimes makes it easier. Your anger and fears and coping are all warranted and now that it's out - I hope you find new healthier ways to cope - like blogging and reaching out. I am proud of you for sharing and your twin - wellll - can't you just see her smiling from Heaven because now we all know her too? We love you! Smooches!

  4. Wow that is a biggie! I don't think anyone would judge you at all!!! Far out that would be really hard to come to terms with. I really feel for you.

  5. Oh darlin' heart goes out of you..and my arms are in a big ::hug:: for you.

    Sometimes getting secrets out can help us heal more..we may not see it right away...but over time, some wounds begin to heal...

    What a blessing that you had your grandma there to share the stories with you! Now you have some pieces of her...

    Don't feel naked, shameful, or one on here will judge you...if they do...we shall all beat them...

    Big Big BIG hugs...


  6. Julie I am glad you shared your story with us. And there is no way that you would be judged as you had NO CONTROL over this situation. There are lots of instances that lead people to eat,and identifying that I think is really important! Hugs xo

  7. Julie, what an awful thing you had to go through, I am so so sorry and I am sending you big hugs. Absolutely no judgment either, never worry about what you should blog about, just blog about what feels right.

  8. Oh Julie, I'm coming over there to give you a big hug! And we can have tea and just talk and talk. I think it's wonderful that you were able to share your secret with us. This is a big step. It's so healing. I honestly think just acknowledging something can start a healing process. I can't imagine the pain you must have felt finding out that you had a twin sister and #1, she passed away & #2, your parents kept that information from you. NO wonder you were having night terrors. Your body and soul was remembering the trauma and the sister that you shared life with from the moment of conception. How old were you when this happened? Please keep talking about it with us whenever you feel the need. We are all here for you. Always.
    Love you!

  9. Oh Julie, I am sorry to hear about your story, but you are in the best place here to let it out and help you heal (as much as you can) and you would never be judged...this is a place where you can be open and honest about everything and have the support you need.

    My family is full of many secrets, some that have only been discovered recently and the effects have left a huge impact on certain family members, including myself....secrets like these should never be kept, even though they can be hurtful...they lead to life times of hurt and resentful feelings....
    Sending you hugs and thoughts...

  10. Julie, my heart hurts for you. What a tragic story. I'm sorry that your parents didn't tell you about your twin, I'm sure that they did what they thought was best at the time and didn't realize how badly they were hurting you. My best friend in high school was a twin, it was amazing the bond that they had, they would complete each other's sentences and each time they would call one another, the phone would be busy because they were calling at the same time! That bond cannot be seperated by death, it was so strong that it found it's way out of your deepest memory. I'm glad you trusted us enough to share and I hope it helps you heal and find peace.
    Big Hug!
    We are here for you.

  11. Yeah...we would never judge you. Like I told Angie once...I only judge on important shoes and they way people dress!

    That is an incredible story. I am so proud of all of you for sharing and hope you can see the difference it makes. See the chain reaction that has happened? It's amazing.

    I can't imagine what you must have felt and still feel. I am glad that you decided to open up about it here though.

    We love you for it.

  12. Oh, sweetie, thank so much for posting this. You are such a brave girl. There is no reason for you to fear judgement - there is no judgement here in our little world - just support. This story saddens me, I am so sorry. Keep working on it and always remember what a precious girl you are! I hope that you will find the answers you are seeking. <3

  13. OMG Julie, that's intensely horrible. It sounds more like a movie than real life. I think you are so so brave and strong. Thank you for sharing your story. I don't think you'll ever be judged here. We are all starting to share our stories and it's great (well sort of, you know what I mean). I'm glad that I could get the ball rolling with my story. If there is anything I could say it is that your parents were probably trying to protect you. Their heart was in the right place. XOXO

  14. Oh Julie! My heart is breaking for you and your sis. Thank you so much for breaking the silence and sharing with us. You are so brave. That is an amazing experience. You are clearly very strong. I hope you can have some peace in this matter.

  15. Je t'aime et tu es forte.

  16. Dear Julie...who would judge you? You are brave beyond words and I pray for you that this is the first step in moving you toward peace and happiness.

  17. I'm new to your blog, and this was a huge way to get to know you! This is the place to come when you need to vent. No one would judge you. You had no control over what happend to you. I hope that you find peace with this. Not to defend them but I can't fathom what your parents were going through. Sometimes when you are facing a horrible situation its hard to know what to do. I'm sorry that you found out about your twin in such a harsh way. I hope blogging helps you when you need it.

  18. It takes great courage to share your story and as everyone else has mentioned no one will judge you. It was a horrible thing that happened to you and your family. You've taken a huge step in telling it.

    Sending a big hug your way.